Here

I’m still here! I have so many words and thoughts in my head but just not been able to pen them down. The whole family is running on adrenaline of sorts, running after two kids under 4. I am more exhausted than I have ever been. I have new aches and pains all the time.

I have daily fears that run through my head:

Am I doing ok?

Am I doing enough for the kids?

Am i scarring them?

Why did I yell so much? Why did I grab Shakthi roughly? I get ashamed often and regret.

Are my parents ok? They are so helpful and also serving a side of stress with their input but I am also worried they may not be coping overall or getting enough rest and I am trying to constantly monitor this.

Is raj getting enough sleep? Why is he overworking?

Am I doing my students justice? National Exam year. So many new things to grapple with.

I deal with all of this daily. I try drown my incessant thoughts with distractions. Instagram, whatsapp. But its really just unnecessary added noise. I may just get off it for a bit to slow down.

But hey! I am trying. I need to give myself credit. I try. I fail any times but I still try. There are v low times but theres highs too. The kids still want me to play with them. They want to talk to me. I have help. I have my parents. And I have Raj, the biggest person here..partnering me. I am ok. All is well.

Reflection at Chock full of beans

I am sitting in a café at Changi village. On a Friday afternoon. Its so unusual. Out of the ordinary. Out of the way. I decided to heck it and do something different as I am in btw two assignments.

 I just went to visit my students at OBS changi. Instead of heading back to sch and then taking the sch bus to Punggol OBs site, I have decided to just sit here. When you are on a go go mode, its hard to fully relax. But I am trying. I am halfway through my Earl Grey Latte. Im not satisfied. I am heading towards the hawker centre for a decent the Tarik after this. Maybe I am also not completely at rest because the kids are ill. I just made a call to the clinic to book an appt for both. Raj gonna get them later. I realise how much their well being can affect the rest of s and our mood. There is so much worry the moment they are not eating properly or are less energetic. During the period that we all succumbed to Covid, I felt more sad about how they were, more than about how crappy I felt. I think the fog only lifted for me when I saw Rita being more energetic. I did feel down till then.

On the way to the Changi campsite with my boss, I was asked about how I was. I said I was ok. I wasn’t lying just because it was my boss. I don’t think we will ever be without some kind of challenge or problem. There’s something always happening. My kids are sick. I have an emo helper. My mum has knee pain all the time. My dad can be v blur and instruct us to do things all the time. I don’t get enough time to meet my friends or self-pamper regularly. I have countless things on my to do list. I am ferrying from TW to HV regularly and have my things all over the place. I cant fit into most of my clothes, with my body changed after two kids. I have so much to adjust to in my new house. Some colleagues irritate me.

But I am still ok. I am happy. I have my parents. I have R. I have these two unbelievably cheeky piglets who sap my energy, frustrate me, worry me and give me the purest of joy, all at the same time. I have in laws who love the kids and help out. I have a job. Which stresses me, but more than that, fulfils me to an extent. I have friends. I have a few to be weird with. A few to rant to. A few I can celebrate with. I am generally healthy. I have just moved into my new house.  

I am good. Life is good.

And now I shall interrupt this and go find a toilet to pee at hehe

I cd have delegated going all the way to the Evans Rd PSOEB office on a school day, just to deliver hard copies of the OBS registration form. But that would mean I would have to ask the hesitant colleague for a favour. So much effort. More importantly, it was a chance to do something out of the ordinary. A long walk from mrt to the office. A leisurely walk through botanical gardens (my fav place) on the way back… and a reward of a warm drink in the rain before heading bk to the chaos at home.

No regrets

I think I have been really overwhelmed at work. I made two mistakes. One after another. And the second one was big. And I was so upset. I cd not believe I made such big mistakes. If any other officer does that, I know how judgy everybody will be. How can I make mistakes when I am more senior. I quickly rectified the mistake and then went up to my work cubicle and had a huge cry. Sometimes I feel I cannot handle everything. I am preparing for lessons, teaching, marking setting papers, marking exam papers, printing papers, attending meetings, taking charge of other big admin matters and its just a GO GO GO from the start. But I know its not an excuse for mistakes when others are impacted.

I’ve washed up. I’m back at my table. Work continues.

On the daily

I’ve been feeling this a lot. Overstimulated. As I work in a school, being surrounded by noise and constant activity is a given. But I was at least able to retire to a quieter environment. When I went back to my Woodlands flat, normally alone, I could hear myself. I could walk around for a few moments, wipe up after Igloo and pat him (after he came into our lives), switch on TV and mindlessly watch something while simultaneously look at my phone and then slowly, with no pressure, go for a long shower and wash the day’s troubles off me (so drama haha).

Things are obviously at the other extreme now. My only lone time is my journey to and fro work. Right now, as I am staying with my parents, it’s a 15 min walk. I don’t even look at my phone on the way. It is too precious. I force myself to stare at the sky. At people. Observe interactions. Monitor the ant movements on the ground.

Cause the moment those 15 mins are up, I have to step into chaos. Rita would crawl, leopard crawl or start walking (recent development) towards me. Shakthi may do a scream/song and run. My mum normally launches into a monologue of the day’s events. I have to leap over them and spritz sanitizer or run and bathe before coming back in to the hall. Its all too much, all at once. I’m happy to see them. But we need some kind of slow build up. Of course we don’t have that la. What happens for the next few hours is a blur. There is a lot of shouting. I understand if it is only from the kids. Because they are kids. But it’s from excited adults as well! . I end up shushing people like an old lady almost everyday.

It gets worse when there is extra company. My parents excitedly fill them in about every single thing the kids have done.  I love my kids but I really am not so amazed by their every single action in life. And that makes me wonder if I am a good parent. How is it that my parents are so overjoyed at their every move and why don’t I feel the same level of euphoria? I tell myself it is a grandparent thing. That makes me feel better.

With all the noise, I can’t hear my own thoughts. When there is constant conversation, I cannot react well. I find myself snapping a lot. Reacting badly when Shakthi is throwing a tantrum, for example. I will regret and feel like shit later btw. I have to remind myself that he is just a baby and that I have to mind my own emotions. Self care is important and once in two r three weeks I try take a detour on the way back home to have a drink by myself or with colleagues before coming home. I feel very very guilty and keep thinking of how my mum would feel if she knew I actually went out while she is slaving w the kids. But I feel I may snap sometimes if I don’t. The suffocation may make me react worse at home.

My house may only be ready in two more months. I am dying la. But yes, two more months. I am looking forward to a little more sanity 😊           

Ritashana

My dear baby girl….
Besides those fleeting stresses, my journey carrying you was a very smooth one… I had the calmness I did not completely possess when I was carrying your Annae. I felt more confident. I was more mobile. And somehow I knew you were safe and strong inside me.
I did have thoughts about not knowing if I can ever love another the way I love your Annae. The journey with him was such a huge powerful one. I did not need all that drama with you. You appeared confidently and silently.
We chose March 23rd to have you come out and join us. It felt like the right timing. Not too late. Not too early. And 23 is a nice number as your appa ‘s bday is on the same date. I initially wanted to just let you decide when exactly you wanted to come out. Let nature take its course. But our previous experience with Annae’s birth had been really traumatizing. I do have some reaction to epidural, which led to all those difficult side effects that affected your Annae on th day of his birth. So we did not want to risk it this time round. Your appa was very certain that he wanted you to come out with elective c section, safe and sound.

The day arrived and appa was able to come into the operation theatre, dressed up in the surgical attire and ready. I felt so much better about your appa being next to me this time round.
The process felt faster. Before I knew it, you were out. For a moment I got anxious as I did not know whether the procedure was complete. They seemed to be cutting me up forever and I did not feel too much. But I will not forget that first cry. Your first cry was so soft and cute… Like a gentle little kitten. Such a contrast to the scream of your brother less than two years back!

This time, I managed to hold you almost immediately… I rested my eyes on you. My beautiful little girl. Soft round face. Tiny tiny eyes. The sweetness melted me, my ammu..

My heart burst with joy when I saw your annae come into the ward later on… Paatima and thaatha brought him over…. He smiled widely 🙂 Do you know that your annae was the one who named you?
Yup. Amma always loved the name, Rita. Short sharp and beautiful. But closer to the due date, amma started dabbling with possibilities of other names that matched with your annae. Shakthi and shiva sounded like a great combination. So Amma looks at variations of the name shiva. One of them was shivashana.

The weekend before amma gave birth to you, I asked Annae to say out possible names for you… Rita… Shivanya shivaShana etc. And suddenly, your annae said, ‘Ritashana’ He had weaved two names together.
Appa and I looked at each other and smiled. It was unique. And special. Why not
And that is how your annae named you. What a proud story for him to tell next time 🙂 Appa and I wanted to wait to see whether you were a Rita or Ritashana. And looking at your sweet face for the whole of March 23 made me feel like you were more of a Ritashana 🙂

I’m biased. Absolutely biased. But you are the cutest and sweetest little baby to me. Your presence taught me that my heart could grow bigger and wider than i could have imagined. I feel pure joy seeing you everyday. Your smile, your sweet purrs, cackles, all crack me up. I dunno much about everything, but hope I am and will be a good enough parent for you. Holding you close daily has made me feel like we have a really special thing going on.
My dear baby girl. Amma will forever be your biggest fan. I love you.

Happy 1st bday my Ritashana

Part 5: Veera VS Rita

My Rita. Oh, and to think how I was not keen on a little girl at the start.

When I knew I was pregnant, I allowed myself to start to fantasize about this new family unit. Would this tiny peanut be a boy or girl? Would Shakthi get along better with a younger brother or sister? I felt that a boy would be better. My reasoning was that they could go to school together, if it were a boys’ school. They could share uniform and clothes. I felt they may be emotionally closer and have more things in common. I have an older brother and we are not so close. I also remember how being of a different gender was emphasized in my family and how I felt that that had strained our relations btw my brother and me.

I also had another reason. One that I am still grappling with. I did not know how to bring up a girl. I felt the weight of it. I had gone through so much as a girl. I grappled with body issues, missing of opportunities, various fears and I suddenly felt that I would not know how to shield my own girl from things I had gone through. I feel I had not perfected how to be a girl. How to be a woman. Sounds silly as I type it. I do not know how else to put this in words. How would I support another female and bring her up? This would require me to soul search. Confront issues. Was I overanalysing this? Definitely. This needs another follow up and a post by itself.

Anyway, I started to think of a little boy’s name. I liked the name Veera. It was an ode to my mother’s father who was named Veerappen. It also felt like a fitting match with a powerful name like Shakthi. I could not possibly name the first child Shakthi and the next son something like Gaurav or Gautham (Actually I could and I love both those names btw. BUTTT Raj hates them. Booooooo).

A few months on, we were at Tan Heng Hao’s clinic for a check up. By this time, the initial discomforts of frequently throwing up had ceased. I was more comfy and looking forward to the next few routine tests and check ups, which included the full scans. The gender is normally more apparent during these scans as the baby’s body parts are more developed. THH did a routine scan and asked us if we already knew the gender. We replied that we did not yet. “Let me see ah”, he dragged the scanning device across my swollen tummy. “This may be premature but this does look like a little girl”, he announced. I smiled. The first time, I thought I was having a girl and it ended up being a boy. Right now I thought (and hoped) it would be a boy and it ended up being a girl. What a game la hehe.

But one person was on top of the world. Raj. Raj walked out of THH’s door visibly beaming and said, “It’s RITA”. My heart swelled watching him look so happy. I felt the excitement as well 🙂

Part 4: Knock knock, are you really there?

I’m sitting and looking at the doctor.

‘What’? I hear the words coming out from my mouth repeatedly. I can’t say anything else. I think I stammer and say something like ‘I…..er…’
Eloquence is not my strength.
‘You didn’t know?’, my smart doctor asks. Did I look like someone who was in the know?

She looks puzzled. “Oh, you noticed no change in your body”?

Ok look woman, I know that I perpetually look about two months pregnant. But you can’t body shame me ah, basket.
She tells me to lie on the bed. My head is still spinning with the info I have received. The doctor then proceeds to press me all over my stomach. “Hmmm hmmm,” she keeps muttering to herself. Now she looks unsure. I can’t do with unsure. I need a confirmation. I start to wonder if my urine sample was switched accidentally. I mean, accidents happen, right?

I can’t remember what the doctor says after this. She mentions folic acid. She mentions admin like which hosp I wd like referral to. I agree to a follow up at KK hosp. She tells me upfront that due to covid, I may only get an appt a month or two later.

She writes me a prescription and passes it to me. I walk out quietly with it. I stand in the middle of the polyclinic and call Raj repeatedly. Of all days, this Rajkumar does not pick up my panicky repeated calls. I’m going a bit mental. I need to call him. I need to say it out to make it feel more real. I don’t want to tell anyone else but him.

Not being able to reach him, I walk over to the pharmacy. My number is called. The pharmacist then says, “The doctor wd like to see you again”
Oh shit. There it is.

It was all a big mix up, wasn’t it? Mine was just gastric all along and there’s another visibly pregnant woman quizzically staring at her doctor who claims she is not pregnant. Correct? This is how wild my thoughts can go in seconds

I drag my feet back to the doctor. She welcomes me in and says, “Can you lie down again? I want to feel your womb”.

Hmm, ok?
No choice right?
She fiddled around my tummy. Squeezing and poking and prodding. “I can’t really feel it. Maybe it’s at the beginning stage”.
Erm ok. Thanks. So, am I pregnant or not? I need a freaking confirmation. Doctor fantastic didn’t seem too convinced.

I walked out of the clinic. At the Mr Teh Tarik shop right opp the clinic, I began to Google my previous gynae’s name. This was the gynae who brought me through IVF and my first pregnancy at KK hosp. Tan Heng Hao.
He had just gone private. At my last visit with him, he had excitedly talked about his new private clinic at Novena. I found the name of the clinic. I called and made an appt. The nurse said I cd come in the very next day. Ok. Good. I needed a scan. I need to see for myself if there was really a baby in me.

I went home. I rarely had the hse to myself. Normally I wd have been able to nap. Now I couldn’t. I paced the hall. I drowned out my spinning head’s many thoughts with TV.
Finally Raj called me back. I blurted out what happened.

He laughed. What the shit (By the way, non of these pregnancy revelations had been up to my expectations. Stupid movies made me think it would be a lot more romantic. Think clasped hands, passionate kisses to tummy, tears in eyes, etc. Basket. I’ll sue these bloody movies)

“I knew it”. He said. “It’s either you are pregnant or something was very wrong with you. You may be seriously ill”. Thanks ah. King of anti- climatic. But I didn’t feel anything. I just needed to know for sure. I needed to get to Tan Heng Hao’s clinic. To know it for sure

The next day, Raj and I got to Tan Heng Hao’s new clinic. After what felt like eternity, we got in. Dr Tan looked at me and smiled. Stupid handsome bugger. “Hi Shanthini, how are you… Everything ok? The last I saw you, you were very stressed in school right? So how, how are you feeling “?
I realised what he was doing.

He thought I was here for a fresh cycle of fertility treatments. He was doing the whole intro talk. He was going to go into game plans soon. I had gone through years of this. So many doctors with their speeches. I knew the drill.

I didn’t know when to interrupt him, though. Raj did.” OKKK, so I think she’s pregnant “, he cut in
Here’s the fun part. Tan Heng Hao looks shocked.

He started to say something. And then he stopped. “Ok wait. Let me check you first. Can you get on the bed and we will do a scan”
I lay down and pulled up my top. The familiar cold squash of gel. The familar scanning device circling my abdomen.

“I see it. There’s a heartbeat”

Time stood still for a second. That’s all I needed to hear. That’s all I needed.
I blocked off everything else. Raj was talking to Tan Heng Hao. I smiled. I wanted to cry. I needed to process. I dunno how this happened. How could the first time have taken so long? How did this work out? Fours years back, after the failure of my first IVF, I had reentered the office of this very doctor at KK hosp as I didn’t understand why the IVF procedure had not worked. He cd’nt answer me. He told me sometimes it just does not. Tears had streamed down my face as I left, my Stomach feeling like it was in a knot, my chest hurting.
This time, again, he had no answer. I don’t know why. I’ve heard of the body being more fertile after giving birth once. I dunno how this really works. But I didn’t really bother about the details right now. The only detail i needed was that I was not just one person.

My little Rita was on the way

Part 3. Of wheelchairs and fainting spells

August 2020 arrived.

By this time, I had been unwell for more than a month. Weekdays were jammed packed with term 3 work at school. Weekends was mainly when Raj wd hear my complaints. Once such weekend in early August, I walked over to the hall where Raj was playing with Shakthi and plonked onto the sofa, tired after throwing up again. “I can’t be pregnant, right?” I expected a quick, “ya, right”. But I didn’t hear anything and glanced at Raj who did this strange low laugh. “I’m also wondering”, he replied. What the shit. No way. “I will go buy a pregnancy test kit”, he offered. But I recalled having a stash of pregnancy test kits from the time we were trying for Shakthi. I found one and peed on it immediately. Ok it had just expired. By I thought the result wouldnt be THAT off the mark.

NEGATIVE.

Ok la. I trusted the slightly expired kit. This time I had a marked difference in the way i handled a negative test result. I was more occupied with thoughts of when I would even be a bit more free from school work and able to go see that doc again to get more meds to feel better. I read up on foods that aided in digestion and even tried drinks like kombucha, as recommended by a concerned friend who was a doctor.

13 August arrived. I had a dental appointment lined up late that afternoon at Woodlands polyclinic. But once again, I vomited in sch and felt that heartburn. Typing this out now makes me realise that the signs were there la. I ended classes a little early that afternoon and decided to just get a normal doc appt at Woodlands Polyclinic so that I cd proceed for my dental right after. Good planning eh? I patted myself on the back and set off for the clinic. It wasn’t too crowded. I was glad. I found a seat and stretched out a little.

Then it happened. I felt my head sway. I tried to straighten up but felt weak. I lay my head to the side but it felt worse. the room suddenly spun. Ok, NOW i was panicking. I felt I was not in control. There was a nurse seated right before me. I somehow gathered my things and approached her. I told her I felt dizzy and asked if i could lie horizontal somewhere for a bit to steady myself. What happened after was a little blurry. It was a mixture of panicky nurses, a few doors opening and closing and I was ushered into a room to see a doctor. I could not speak to the doctor as I felt too faint by then. The next thing I knew, I was in a wheelchair. Whuuuuut.

I was quickly pushed to the nurses room where they took my BP and blood test. I remember this one detail though. There sat a very tall, big sized Indian Male nurse (not common la) and he was asking me questions. I answered some and I think I missed some. He asked me, “Ma’am, are you pregnant?” My answer was an embarassing mix of “Huh, no, I don’t think so. Why? Cannot be. I dunno”. If I was the nurse I would have rolled my eyes extra hard la. The guy just went, “Erm, when was your last period”. Part of me wanted to make it a joke and laugh and ask something stupid like, “Ey eee why you ask me”. But a big part of me was blank. I had no freaking idea.

Let us rewind a bit here. I had been breastfeeding Shakthi and only recently had gotten my period back (not like periods are ever a great thing la). Contrary to how it had been when we were planning for Shakthi, where I had been so conscious and aware of all the dates that I had my period, I was so lost. I did not keep track I could not recall a damn detail.

“I really can’t remember anything”, I confessed to the already fed up nurse who instructed another nurse to do a urine test for me. The next one hour or so, I waited around and got pushed into different rooms where I got my blood taken, ECG done, amidst other tests that I can’t recall. I was so glad that the clinic was not so crowded as I was so conscious about being in that wheelchair. But I did not feel steady enough yet (didn’t get that tt bed to lie flat on, as requested la) and so I just shut up and sat inside. I was not thinking of anything in particular. I was stoning. I tried to msg Raj but he was in lab and did not pick up. I left him a message. And continued stoning.

Finally, my number was called and i managed to get up and walk into the doctor’s room. Young female doctor. She asked me to sit and said she had all my results. I sat and she proceeded to start by saying that I had gastric, indeed. I switched off mentally at this point and started thinking of how long I wd take to recover, how I cd assign work to my classes, etc. The doctor was still talking about the other results and I started reading the board next to her which showed the steps one shd take if anyone has signs of stroke. After a few minutes, the doctor decides it was time to share the final part of the analysis of my results.

“Ok ah, so you took urine test to check for pregnancy also ah, just in case. If the unit is above 25 units, then there is pregnancy. And yours is…. above 25 units… about 125…

what

what

what

I did not process this. I stared back at that stroke signs poster. I felt I was going to experience those signs la….

To be continued…

Part 2: Of questions and confusions

So I last left off at the point where I wondered if Shakthi would ever have a sibling.

I thought about it when I saw him being intensely spoiled by grandparents and feared whether he wd become that one spolit brat who ALWAYS got what he wanted. Would he have items and toys all to himself? Or would he have someone else to learn about sharing and negotiations from? Now, I have seen some amazing kids without siblings grow up and be really awesome. I was definitely not against the one child family picture. When I prayed and wanted Shakthi, I mainly prayed for just one miracle. But it was there. I admit. That small tiny desire in the background. That the house would be noisier. That Shakthi would be the start. But that it would not end just there. I struggled with that fear that I was being selfish. I had what I wanted. I had Shakthi. Why would I need more? I left the thought there. Did not entertain it too much. I was also very aware that wanting another may mean a whole fresh cycle of fertility treatments. Exhausting on the body, mind and pocket, for sure. I sure was not ready. After the big journey with Shakthi, I knew that being mentally ready was a very very big part of a fertility process.

Having had Shakthi already also did not automatically mean that I was over the pains and struggles of my fertility journey. I was still healing. Hearing of colleagues getting pregnant so easily was still something I had to get used to. When I heard that my sister in law was pregnant, two months after getting married, I have to admit that I felt sadness. I wondered how it was so easy for her. I actually cried to Raj about how his mum would perhaps not like me because of how long I took to get pregnant, as compared to my sister in law. I feel embarassed as I type out about this. But I felt how I felt. And it wasn’t pretty.

All of these thoughts were at the background while I was getting back to the daily grind of work. I was so happy to be back in work! While Shakthi was amazing in many ways, absence makes the heart grow fonder la haha. I loved being back, teaching and being with students. Feeling needed in a more intellectual way. Walking into work was good. But definitely more challenging as I was not getting sleep. I was so tired. Little shakthi slept badly, needing me several times through the night. To cope, I started taking coffee every morning. It wasn’t a practise before. I would enjoy the occasional bru/nescafe but it was never a daily need. This time round, it was a must. My head was in a constant fog. I was stoning often. So I tried stronger and stronger coffee. The coffeeshop coffees are really powerful, man. I was into Kopi C kosong. Intense shit. The one at teck whye coffeeshop was super. It got to a point where I would sip one throughout the day. Soon after though, I started feeling a little sick. I felt a burn in my chest after drinking coffee, in the mid morning period. Sometimes my hands would shake and I felt slight heart palpitations that scared me. I shared this with some friends, who advised me to cut back. The heartburn didnt go off easy. I felt it constantly. I went to the doctor, who diagnosed it as gastric and prescribed me some meds. Things did not really improve, but I just drudged along as I had to much to do. I started to even vomit after eating sometimes, which seemed a natural side effect of gastric. I googled it constantly as I was confused about why I was feeling worse. At one point, I would go to sch, teach a lesson, have some breakfast at canteen, vomit it all after feeling sick and then trudge on to the next lesson.

At one point I joked to Raj, “What if I am pregnant”, and we immediately laughed at the absurdity and went on with life….

Until that one fateful weekday in mid August, 2020.

To be continued…